


the answer

by jessamoo



Category: Holby City
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-20
Updated: 2018-02-20
Packaged: 2019-03-21 22:37:52
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 945
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13750638
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jessamoo/pseuds/jessamoo
Summary: little rewrite/fix it of one of the 20x08 scenes





	the answer

Why was she here? The question rocketed around her head. Her heart felt like it ached with its unrelenting pacing. It was never quiet these days.

Jac looked up. Fletch's face looked so open, so honest. She wished she knew how to do that. To break open and offer bits of herself to him. But it would be like digging her nails into her ribs and tearing herself apart.

She could have said she was here for Jasmine. He'd believe that. Everyone always looked at her, searching for her grief on her face. Always she felt people were examining her, looking for her weakness. To prove to themselves that she was the same as them, that she felt the same way. She didn't have to prove it. She knew it, she knew it when she put flowers on Jasmine's grave. She knew it when her heart swelled when she saw Jonny and Emma. People wanted to grab at her, take little parts of her for themselves. She felt as if no one could ever let her be.

She stopped herself. She shouldn't lie to Fletch. He didn't want the same thing as everyone else, at least, she didn't think he did. He was looking at her like he really wanted to hear her answer, all her answers.

"I don't understand what you want from me." She said.

And she didn't. If he didn't want her to break down in front of him declaring her pain, didn't want proof of her humanity, then what did he want?

I know you don't, he told her. He said it simply. Not judging her. Not shouting at her. He just said it as a statement of fact that he wasn't going to try and change. Jac wasn't used to people being like that with her. Normally she was the brutally honest one. Fletch was honest without the brutality - Something she was working on, but could never quite match.

Why was she here. What was she doing this for. Why was she crawling on her hands and knees through the trauma and the horror? Why was she dragging herself day after day through the pain and the ash of her life at holby?

Not for herself, not really. She didn't need to be here to recover. Not for Jasmine, who'd died in the corridor's, who's laugh echoed through them, who would tell her to get out as soon as she could. Not even for Raf, who had been kind, and who had died when she should have done.

Fletch moved past her before she could sort out her words, before she could force themself physically from her and into the world. Before she let them take shape in her mouth, which always took time and an almost physical effort.

"You." She managed quietly, and she hears him stop.

She turns to face him where he stands in the door, staring at her with wild eyes.

She moves backwards away from him, as if she can distance herself from this admission. Of course he follows her, slowly stepping back into the room, his eyes never moving from her.

"You what?"

"You heard me Fletcher." Her old familiar caustic tone helped settle her, helped ready her. "You asked me who I'm here for. It's you."

"I don't understand." Fletch stammered.

She smiled at the irony of him repeating her earlier confusion.

"You were there for me when I lost someone. Someone I loved. I didn't know how to...let anyone be there for me. But you were there anyway, without me even needing to ask. I've never been able to do that." She shook her head. "But then...everything happened, and Raf. The reason I never mentioned handing my notice in was that I gave it to him to give to Hanssen. I was terrified-"

She breaks off, looking down, and feels rather than sees Fletch come closer to her. Instinctive, knowing she was in trouble.

"Terrified that the reason he'd been in the lift was because he was delivering my notice to Hanssen, and that would make it my fault that you'd lost someone."

Fletch shook his head quickly. "No - No, the only person to blame is the person who did the shooting. I wouldn't have blamed you, you have to know that Jac."

"I do." She reassured him gently. "But I just thought, if it was my fault the least I could do was make sure you were alright. I didn't leave because we were helping each other. The only way I knew how to do that for you was to be here, and hope that was enough."

Fletch swallowed, nodding. She could see him thinking.

"You were there for me. Maybe more than you know. But if it's hurting you, I don't want that. I want whatever is best for you, for you to be ok."

Jac reached out without really knowing what she was going to do. She put a gentle hand on his arm. "I feel ok when you're here. You really don't want me to go?"

"No, Jac, I don't want you to go. Unless that's what you want."

"No." She breathed, and suddenly she was pressed against him. Their lips met, his hands were on her waist, then her back, pulling her against him even tighter, like he didn't want to let her go. Her hands moved to his face, holding him there with her.

She'd done the right thing. The same answer she had given him was the only answer that mattered. You. You, you you she thinks. 

As she feels Fletch smile under her mouth, she knows he is thinking the same thing.


End file.
